Comments on: Mark 4:10-12 http://matthewcostner.com/2008/04/mark-410-12/ A Holy Mess Fri, 25 Nov 2011 15:09:39 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.9.1 hourly 1 By: Clarence http://matthewcostner.com/2008/04/mark-410-12/comment-page-1/#comment-759 Clarence Thu, 01 Apr 2010 10:28:34 +0000 http://matthewcostner.com/?p=50#comment-759 I remember at one of the lowest times in my life--trying in vain to sustain a "life" in the closet--asking God why my faith walk had to be so difficult, and why I always felt like an outcast, unwanted, unloved & unseen by people who are supposed to be my brothers & sisters. I asked why life had to hurt so much. And, though few may believe me, I received an answer that I knew came from God: I heard the words that I still recall all these years later, "Because lessons we learn in pain are lessons we will never forget." At that time, I didn't quite know what lesson I was supposed to be learning, but it miraculously & instantly brought me a sense of peace. I knew God was watching over me, and that He was guiding my path. It seems clearer to me now, as I have searched for the meaning of my own life; as I have prayed & asked God what contribution someone as broken as I can make to His kingdom; and as I have continued the rocky road that is my own faith walk, that faith has never been easy for me. Everything which comprises my it, I have fought so hard for and have worked so diligently to keep in my heart. Though I must constantly remind myself that "they" are wrong about people like me, I cannot help but continue to hear the cacophony of discordant voices screaming of my unacceptability to God. The "Big Lie" theory still lives, apparently: if you say something loud enough & long enough, SOMEONE will eventually believe it. For a while, I believed it...but only because I didn't realize I was believing in fallible human beings when my belief & my faith should always have been in my Maker. So many times in my life, it would have been so easy to just let "them" win...let "them" have their exclusive heteros-only club, and get on with a life where I didn't have to fight so hard to be accepted. I tried. Just as I had tried to deny my own sexual orientation, I tried to deny all the love I had felt when I first came to know God, but I couldn't do either. I couldn't even begin to try to let go of a faith that had already so greatly changed my life, so I decided that I HAD to stay because--for me--there was no "Plan B". I knew that, in staying, I was in for a constant battle & that--as an openly gay Christian--I was going to experience the worst of condemnations from those who were ostensibly my siblings in Christ. Still, I had no choice, but to brace myself, keep my eyes on the prize (as they say), and trust that God would keep me well. How blessed I am--in spite of all of it...and more--that my Lord has remained faithful to me! How could I not be faithful to Him in return...no matter how difficult the world made faith for me? I remember at one of the lowest times in my life–trying in vain to sustain a “life” in the closet–asking God why my faith walk had to be so difficult, and why I always felt like an outcast, unwanted, unloved & unseen by people who are supposed to be my brothers & sisters.

I asked why life had to hurt so much.

And, though few may believe me, I received an answer that I knew came from God: I heard the words that I still recall all these years later, “Because lessons we learn in pain are lessons we will never forget.” At that time, I didn’t quite know what lesson I was supposed to be learning, but it miraculously & instantly brought me a sense of peace. I knew God was watching over me, and that He was guiding my path.

It seems clearer to me now, as I have searched for the meaning of my own life; as I have prayed & asked God what contribution someone as broken as I can make to His kingdom; and as I have continued the rocky road that is my own faith walk, that faith has never been easy for me. Everything which comprises my it, I have fought so hard for and have worked so diligently to keep in my heart.

Though I must constantly remind myself that “they” are wrong about people like me, I cannot help but continue to hear the cacophony of discordant voices screaming of my unacceptability to God. The “Big Lie” theory still lives, apparently: if you say something loud enough & long enough, SOMEONE will eventually believe it. For a while, I believed it…but only because I didn’t realize I was believing in fallible human beings when my belief & my faith should always have been in my Maker.

So many times in my life, it would have been so easy to just let “them” win…let “them” have their exclusive heteros-only club, and get on with a life where I didn’t have to fight so hard to be accepted.

I tried. Just as I had tried to deny my own sexual orientation, I tried to deny all the love I had felt when I first came to know God, but I couldn’t do either. I couldn’t even begin to try to let go of a faith that had already so greatly changed my life, so I decided that I HAD to stay because–for me–there was no “Plan B”. I knew that, in staying, I was in for a constant battle & that–as an openly gay Christian–I was going to experience the worst of condemnations from those who were ostensibly my siblings in Christ. Still, I had no choice, but to brace myself, keep my eyes on the prize (as they say), and trust that God would keep me well.

How blessed I am–in spite of all of it…and more–that my Lord has remained faithful to me!

How could I not be faithful to Him in return…no matter how difficult the world made faith for me?

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