Mark 4:10-12
Today, I got home from Tulsa, Oklahoma; I cried; I smiled; I felt loved; I laughed; I was grossed out; I felt worth; I was scared; I felt defeated; I felt at peace.
It’s amazing how many different feelings I can go through in a day. Several of those feelings I know I had more than once, but you get the point. And the thing is I wasn’t really a basket case either. My feelings just kept changing.
“Feelings” intrigue me. I mean, I know what feelings are, but it is weird to me how we can actually know how to cry, know what pain or love feels like, etc. Maybe I’m the only one that thinks about that kind of stuff, but things I don’t understand and haven’t fully mastered catch my attention. Maybe that’s why I love mystery movies – the thrill of not knowing and having to try and guess the situation or who killed who.
In the New Testament, and particularly in Mark it seems like Jesus was starring in His own mystery movie. In Mark 4:10-11 the disciples were confused because Jesus kept speaking things that didn’t make sense to them (stories in parables). Seeking to find the answer to the mystery, they asked Jesus why He taught the way He did. Jesus responded, “To you it has been given to know the mystery of the kingdom of God…” And then Jesus went on to say that all won’t be able to understand what is being said.
Isn’t that interesting? I’m baffled at such a comment. Our Jesus, the One who came for ALL, is saying that some of that ALL won’t understand. You know, sometimes I don’t understand Jesus. I want to, but life often brings hard questions. Very regularly I am asked questions like why did I marry so-and-so? Why am I gay? Is it possible to be gay? Why did so-and-so die like that? Why did so-and-so abandon me? Etc.
Then the mystery begins. I begin to ask, what seems right or wrong? What does Scripture say about that? What could God be revealing about His character in this?
I think that’s why Jesus uses this word mystery here in our text to the disciples. He spoke in parables, but only because they were designed for us to understand them when we are spiritually ready. We may understand the parable to mean one thing now, but as we grow in our spiritual maturity and we look back at the parable we will get a whole different and deeper understanding of it.
However, that doesn’t mean we wait till we think we are spiritually ready before we seek answers to life’s hard questions. We must begin, now, looking for answers.
Most of us are at completely different parts of our journey and walk with God. And that’s ok. We all have to start somewhere. We all have to find our way. We all have to seek out answers to our problems and issues. But I truly believe when we stop looking to solve the mysteries, in effect we stop seeking God.
If nothing else, I learned one thing today. Together, as we seek God and the answers to our questions, we shouldn’t rely on our feelings. We should always go back to Scripture. Why? Because feelings change and God’s promises don’t.
I remember at one of the lowest times in my life–trying in vain to sustain a “life” in the closet–asking God why my faith walk had to be so difficult, and why I always felt like an outcast, unwanted, unloved & unseen by people who are supposed to be my brothers & sisters.
I asked why life had to hurt so much.
And, though few may believe me, I received an answer that I knew came from God: I heard the words that I still recall all these years later, “Because lessons we learn in pain are lessons we will never forget.” At that time, I didn’t quite know what lesson I was supposed to be learning, but it miraculously & instantly brought me a sense of peace. I knew God was watching over me, and that He was guiding my path.
It seems clearer to me now, as I have searched for the meaning of my own life; as I have prayed & asked God what contribution someone as broken as I can make to His kingdom; and as I have continued the rocky road that is my own faith walk, that faith has never been easy for me. Everything which comprises my it, I have fought so hard for and have worked so diligently to keep in my heart.
Though I must constantly remind myself that “they” are wrong about people like me, I cannot help but continue to hear the cacophony of discordant voices screaming of my unacceptability to God. The “Big Lie” theory still lives, apparently: if you say something loud enough & long enough, SOMEONE will eventually believe it. For a while, I believed it…but only because I didn’t realize I was believing in fallible human beings when my belief & my faith should always have been in my Maker.
So many times in my life, it would have been so easy to just let “them” win…let “them” have their exclusive heteros-only club, and get on with a life where I didn’t have to fight so hard to be accepted.
I tried. Just as I had tried to deny my own sexual orientation, I tried to deny all the love I had felt when I first came to know God, but I couldn’t do either. I couldn’t even begin to try to let go of a faith that had already so greatly changed my life, so I decided that I HAD to stay because–for me–there was no “Plan B”. I knew that, in staying, I was in for a constant battle & that–as an openly gay Christian–I was going to experience the worst of condemnations from those who were ostensibly my siblings in Christ. Still, I had no choice, but to brace myself, keep my eyes on the prize (as they say), and trust that God would keep me well.
How blessed I am–in spite of all of it…and more–that my Lord has remained faithful to me!
How could I not be faithful to Him in return…no matter how difficult the world made faith for me?