Matthew Costner

This morning as I lay in bed and think about all the things I need to do before I head out to a conference in Lewisburg, Tennessee, my heart feels so heavy. A lot of the things I thought I had going for me is no longer in the picture: girl, preaching gigs, church positions, etc. I can’t help but wonder why all this is happening?

My cry for so long has been for God to strip me and clean me and make me more like Him, so I can be a better minister to others, but honestly I am tired of being stripped. I am not wanting to learn life lessons, I am wanting God to give me wisdom. I don’t want to have to go through life’s difficulties, I am wanting God to show me the way around all those roadblocks in life. I am not wanting my heart to feel abandoned, I am wanting to jump with joy and sing songs of redemption.

Life some times is so hard that I have to look back on my childhood to see when I used to sing and jump with joy. One of those times that I would do so is when my friends and I would play hide and go seek. Do you remember that game? Gosh I loved it! This past week, I played a similar game called sardines, but it is where you hide in a house at night, turn all the lights out and then everybody comes and tries to find you. Needless to say it can get interesting in a pitch black house at night. However, I feel like life is kind of like that childhood game, hide and go seek. How often do we sit around and wonder where God is? How often do we long to hear God speak and yet we hear no answer? How long… (you can place your question here)? Yet Scripture is very clear that God hasn’t left us and that His Holy Spirit is in our midst, and that when we “seek Him we shall find Him!”

As I stated in my last post, I know God has used me in my life, and I can see where God has worked in my life, but I am desperate to feel God work in me now. I can read my testimony or atleast think about it and see where God has come through for me in my past. I can talk to my friends and hear where God is working for them now. I can see and tell people where God is working in them, but I am struggling to see God working in me. I know God is stripping me, but what all am I supposed to be learning during this time? That’s the question that I have to answer. I just don’t know, so I want to hear God speak! I want God to use me and give me an assignment to help better His Kingdom! I want to be like that good little elf that Santa Claus can always count on to stay up all night building toys! (I’m not wanting to be an elf, but I do want God to find me faithful!!!)

Oh friends, God takes us to these deserts in our lives to teach us, and speak to us. But it is in these deserts that our enemy (the devil) also speaks to us, trying to rename us, and redefine who we are with worldy descriptions. The enemy wants us to feel like failures because it is then and only then that he can tempt us with false redemption and false trophies. I know it is hard to not give in to turning away from God and indulging in these trophies and Worldly pleasures, but that is what the enemy wants us to do so he can rejoice at our defeat. Don’t give in to the enemy! We are children of God, and the one that is in us is greater than he who is in the world (1 John 4:4). This one in us is the hope of glory: Christ – the one that has already defeated death and is sitting at the right hand of God making intercessions for us!

But don’t get me wrong, this doesn’t discount that life is hard and that there are many rough times ahead. It just means we have hope! To be honest, this hope makes me so emotional it is hard to read this screen because right now all I feel like I have is hope. Gosh, my tears aren’t ceasing to fall, but I lay here and cry and pray and sing a song of David (Psalm 13),

“How long O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumphs over me?
Look on me and answer me, O Lord my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death; my enemy will say, ‘I have overcome him,’ and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord for he has been good to me.”