Matthew Costner

I have been listening to a song that a friend wrote called Where I Stand this morning. You can check it out on her myspace page: http://www.myspace.com/jaclynturner. The song is about not knowing quite where you are going, but knowing where you stand. I don’t want to say that I am an emotional dude (although over the last several years I have become more emotional) but this song kind of moved me a little. Ok, it actually brought a few tears to my eyes.
The reality for me, is that I am in a time of transition. I don’t currently have a church that I am consistently preaching at, so I am preaching itinerant from time to time around the south. My parents, being biased of course, have been begging for me to move back home to good ol’ North Carolina to work in a church there full-time. There is also a cool chick there that I would enjoy being closer to. However, I’m not really making any plans to leave Nashville anytime soon. Matter of fact, I have applied recently to Starbucks to try and get a job part-time to give me a little consistent income and some insurance. I’m also talking to a few churches about working with them part-time here in the city. Two part-times equal full-time, right? I guess we will see what happens with those!
Anyway, as I sit here and think about life, I wonder what God has in store for me. I have went through an undergraduate and a master’s program, and yet I am no where full-time, and quite honestly I don’t feel like I will be full-time anytime soon. I really am ok with that. It’s quite nice to go to the beach and plan ski trips, etc. and not have to worry about wondering if I can take off of work. *laughing* Ok, I’m not laughing anymore.
In some way, I honestly feel called to pour my life out for this community, but I don’t know where to start or exactly how to do that. I feel like I am doing what I need to do by applying for random jobs, but as scared and frustrated as I am about it all, I am excited to see what God has in store for me. I can’t decide if that sounds weird or not – being excited and fearful, but in some odd way, and maybe it is because I can look back on my life and see where God has worked, I really believe God is going to take care of me now and in the future.
I have done some re-examining in my life lately, which has helped me see where God has been at work, but it was mainly to see and rid myself of everything that would hinder me from not hearing God or envisioning His will for me. Yet, my fear is that I am not looking in the right places, or putting it another way that I am looking in all the wrong places.
The Scripture that comes to my mind is Isaiah 55:8-9, which says, “‘For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,’ declares the LORD. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” This is kind of a scary text, but luckily, God is good, and His thoughts and plans are much better than what I could ever come up with. He sees the big picture while I only see each instant of my life as it arises.
The bottom line for me is that I don’t know where I am going in life. I do know where my parents are trying to get me to go (home!), I know where my friends are trying to get me to go (stay here!), and I know where some mentors are trying to get me to go (out West!). But for now, I stand in Nashville, I love it, and God is still in control and is reigning!!! Oh what a relief that is!!! (check out another great song called Our God Reigns by my favorite Christian rock band, Delirious? at: http://www.myspace.com/delirious)
As much rock as in Nashville, maybe I can say I’m standing on solid ground here! Or is it rocky ground? Anyway, I’m here standing.