Matthew Costner

To get away from the hustle and bustle of life, and to not have to deal with being jobless and itinerant preaching for awhile, I came to the beach. Seagrove to be exact, I think. Anyway, it’s been interesting. I don’t know all the people here that I am with, so a great portion of my hanging out has been explaining my “story.”

Now, this is where it gets interesting for me. One of my issues in life that I am currently dealing with is name-dropping. I don’t know really why, except I want people to like me, and for some reason I don’t feel like I can impact their life unless they like me. Silly I know, but it’s where I am right now. However, so far this trip, I haven’t done it. Maybe the reason I haven’t name-dropped yet is because everybody here knows more people than me anyway, so whoever I could mention they would/could care less.

Now, this probably sounds all random, but a part of telling my story or anyones story really, is sharing about all the stuff done throughout my or our life. This also gets me in trouble because I end up trying to mention everything I have ever done to raise my status in the eyes of whoever it is I am talking to. For instance just today, I went on a walk on the beach with a new friend who was inquiring about my preaching. To say the least, I think my new friend was impressed. However as soon as I got back to the house I got sick on my stomach because I quickly began to realize that what we had talked about quickly went to my head. The reality is that I don’t feel like I have done a lot, but when I start laying it all out there, I can see where God has worked in my life. Albeit in small ways.

Even writing this I’m just not impressed with myself. The truth is that a lot of the stuff in my life that I have done, and wish I have done, I have done out and thought up out of selfish motivation. I’m a business minded dude and I am constantly trying to think of what I can do to help me with my career in the ministry or whatever I am wanting to accomplish. I think we all need to think about ways we can better and further ourselves, but what we can’t do is place our worth, etc. off of what we have accomplished, which is what I do.

Recently, with the lack of my full-time consistent paying job I have lost a lot of self-esteem and self-worth value. To the point, that I feel almost very depressive about it even though I don’t want anyone to know it. And also to the point, that I am beginning to question the amount of worth the Lord sees in me. Having got sick on my stomach from the walk when I got home, I quickly grabbed my Bible to try and elliminate all the feelings in my self that are not of Christ. This is what I turned to and began reading, “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast” (Ephesians 3:8-9).

This may not fully seem to fit where I was at, but for me, I got from it that God doesn’t care either about who I know or what I’ve done. God cares about me and loves me because I am His! To put it another way, God has given me the gift of eternal life and joy and hope in this life because God loves me and because I believe!

Why does my boast often go to myself when it isn’t me to begin with? I get so angry with myself for often taking credit for what’s not of me to begin with. Well, for now, while I am enjoying all of God’s sweet beachful creation, I am singing a new song. My song and my boast is in God, and God alone, for God is my source of life and the reason for this beach season!